PJ’s List of Top Ten “Mess With Your Mind” Christmas Carols
My dad often laughs at me and tells me that I sang the lyrics to “Hound Dog” like this…Well, they said you’re wore eye glasses, but that was just a lie…
I guess you can say that I’m pretty guilty of over thinking things a little. For Christmas, I thought I’d put together a little light-hearted fun regarding how much some Christmas Carols messed with my mind. If you had any experiences like this, I’d love to hear about it.
- The Christmas Song – Ok, so what’s up with the chestnuts? Is that like a walnut, but just another name? Where exactly are they roasting them? In the fireplace? What do they taste like? Roasted pecans are good as hell, maybe, they are like that. Why are folks dressed up like Eskimos? They are going to sweat like a dog. Somebody needs to tell them to take off those coats.
- Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas – Our troubles will be out of sight? Miles away? Well, yeah, that’ll make them out of sight. We all will be together if the fates allow? So fate might not allow them to get together? What does that even mean? What’s a bough? Like as in when the bough breaks? Folks are always singing about boughs. If this song is telling me to have a Merry Christmas, why do I suddenly feel so depressed?
- Santa looked a lot like Daddy – Is Santa that guys uncle?
- I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus – Well isn’t this just peachy.
- Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer – What kind of names do they call him? I mean, his name’s Rudolph. What do you call a Rudolph to make fun of him? Bill? What exactly are reindeer games? I mean, the only “games” that I know that involve deer, usually involve hunting them, so yeah, Rudolph’s probably glad he missed out on that.
- Baby, It’s Cold Outside – Her mother will worry? Her dad’s pacing the floor? Oh geez and he’s trying to get her to stay? This isn’t going to go well at some point. What’s in this drink? Well, what the heck did he put in the drink? What thing is he doing to her? Lifelong sorrow? Oh man! Is this guy really worth it? The neighbors! Her sister! Geez, her brother’s going to be at the door with a baseball bat. Her Aunt? The pressure! Crap! I wouldn’t care how cold it is outside, I’d be outta there!
- 12 Days of Christmas – What exactly are the 12 days of Christmas? What’s that even mean? A partridge and a pear tree. Two turtle doves. Well did she give him another partridge in a pear tree on the second day or are they just telling us that he got that on the first day. But, it says that on the second day of Christmas, she gave him two turtle doves AND a partridge in a pear tree. So now he’s got two turtle doves, two partridges and two pear trees. Three french hens. And two more doves AND another partridge and a pear tree. So that’s 3 hens, 4 doves, 3 partridges and 3 trees. Four calling birds. Now he’s got 4 calling birds, 6 hens, 6 doves, 4 partridges and 4 trees. Dang, this guy likes birds. Oh, rings! Now he’s got some jewelry. And more birds. 8 calling birds, 9 hens, 8 doves…Heck, now he’s got a farm. Six geese. Back to the dang birds. What’s he building? A bird sanctuary. So, six geese. 10 calling birds, no 12…I hope he knows those pear trees can be fickle. Last year, ours didn’t even make a very good crop. Seven Swans! Man, this guy likes birds. Seven Swans. He must have a lake. 12 geese. Wait, how many calling birds. Now the song is going too fast. Eight maids a milking. So he does have a farm. I guess he’s got a least eight cows. Nine ladies dancing? What? How does that even fit in? Well, he’s got enough fowl to feed them now. Ten Lords a leaping? Horses? Does he have horses on this farm? And it’s just going to be 30 Lords by the time the songs over. That’s a lot of horses. Eleven pipers? Well, I guess the ladies had to have something to dance to. Drummers. (Nodding head) Yeah, those ladies are going to need some drumming to keep up with that dancing. This song is exhausting. I HATE THIS SONG! Why don’t they just say that the girl was rich and gave her boyfriend a farm fully staffed?
- Winter Wonderland – Who is Parson Brown? Is that like Frosty, except more like a snowman preacher? Does he just go up to random couples and ask them if they are married so he can perform ceremonies? Is that legal?
- All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth – Um, really?
- Santa Claus is Coming to Town – He sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. Well, now, that’s just frightening.
Sweater – Moa Moa (old, similar at Ashley Stewart and Target); Plaid Pants – Alfred Dunner (old, similar at Macy‘s and Talbot); Reindeer Ears – CVS (I’ve also seen them at Walgreens and these at Party City are super cute)